Sana Lang...

Sa isang iglap lahat nagbago.. parang kulang na lang hatakin ko muli ng sandali pabalik sa panahong una kong naramdaman na mahal kita… sa haba ng panahon na lumipas gusto kong ipakita sayo na minahal kita ng higit sa buhay ko… gusto kong dalhin ka sa panahon kung saan sinabi ko sa sarili ko na ikaw ang lalaking pakamamahalin ko habang buhay… pakinggan mong mabuti dahil minsan ko lng sinabi yon, ngunit hanggang ngayon dala-dala ko pa rin ang mga salitang iyon sa puso ko…

Minsan nangarap ako na maging akin ka na sana… halika! hawakan mo ang kamay ko dadalhin kita sa panahon kung saan mahabang taon akong naghintay para maging akin ka lang… nakikita mo ba kung gaano ako kasaya ng sinabi mong “Will you marry me?”.. nakita mo ba ang mga luha sa gilid ng aking mga mata.. naramdaman mo ba and bilis ng tibok ng puso ko sa saya… nakita mo rin ba ang takot? at pagkasabik?… kumapit ka sa akin dadalhin kita sa panahon kung saan,,, nasaktan ako ng… hindi ka tumupad.. napansin mo ba kung paanong unti-unting gumuho ang mundo ko?… pero sa kabila non ipinaglaban kita… pinaglaban ko ang pagmamahal ko.. nakikita mo ba kung paanong ayaw kong bitiwan ang pag-ibig na yon?… kasi iyon lang ang nagpapasaya sa akin…maraming bagay ang nagpapangiti sa akin sa tuwing naaalala kita… halika ka! samahan mo ako, mahal ko… dadalhin kita sa panahon kung saan lagi kong binabalikan ang magagandang alaala natin.. nakikita mo ba ang ngiti sa aking mga labi? napansin mo ba kung panong ayaw kong idilat ang mga mata ko?, nangangamba kasi ako na baka mawala ka… nakakatuwa pero… oo.. lagi akong naghihintay sayo… kahit abutin ako ng madaling araw sa labas ng bahay namin… kahit pinapapasok na ako ng tatay ko…at kahit malakas ang buhos ng ulan.. hindi ko sinusunod yon..kasi ang gusto ko lng makita ka…. nakikita mo ba? kung andon ka ulit sa panahong ‘yon darating ka kaya para makita ko? at yakapin o hahayaan mo akong maghintay?…
…alam mo ba kung gaano ako kasaya ng sa pangalawang pagkakataon niyaya mo ulit ako.. “will you marry again?”… hawakan mo ang kamay ko dadalhin kita sa panahon na ito kung saan mas naging lamang ang pangamba kesa sa saya… pikit mata akong sumagot ng “oo” .. ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko…ngunit may takot… masaya ako… masayang-masaya… Paulit-ulit kong binabalikan ang alaala kung saan.. ikaw ang naging first dance ko… nakikita mo ba? ang saya-saya ko… first time ko kasi yon… para akong nsa langit.. hind ko makalimutan ang init ng mga palad mo habang hawak mo ang mga kamay ko at dahan-dahan tayong nagsasayaw… kahit wala nang musika patuloy pa din tayong nagsasayaw…sabi mo pakinggan lang ang tibok ng puso natin at iyon ang magsisilbing musica… nakita mo ba?

Lahat ng yan.. mga alaala ko na tintago ko sa puso ko… marami pa akong pinapangrap… subukin mong pumasok sa puso ko ngayon… kahit minsan lang… andito ka lagi…. totoo, nagagalit ako sa iyo ngayon… kasi, nasasaktan mo ako… pero ang mga alaalang yon ang nananatili sa puso ko upang mahalin pa kita ng paulit-ulit…
Sana lang…. kaya kong ibalik ang panahon na ‘yon ngayon mismo… sana lang pwede mangyari… dahil kung magkatotoo… doon muna ako sa mga panahon na ‘yon…. dun muna ako magtatago… upang maramdaman ko ulit ang pagmamahal mo….. sana lang….

Kahapon akala ko tapos ng bumuhos ang ulan at makikita ko na ulit ang pagsikat ng araw, hindi pa pala… mas lumakas ang hangin, mas lumakas ang buhos ng ulan.. at pinilit kong dalhin ang pinakamalaking payong ng buhay ko…
Maraming bagay ang nagdudulot ng lungkot sa puso ko ngayon, may lulungkot pa ba sa pag aakalang nabuhay ka sa mundong ikaw lang ngunit ngayon may kahati ka na…. siguro sa ilang makakabasa nito ngayon kapag tinanong ko kung payag sila na may kahati sa puso ng taong minamahal mo malamang sa hindi ang sagot… ako? hindi din, ngunit habang kaya ko pang tumayo sa ngayon at habang may lakas pa akong sugurin ang malakas na hangin at ulan.. gagawin ko…. kahit masakit pag aaralan kong tanggapin iyon….





tomorrow… i will learn to forgive

Parang kahapon lang walang tigil na pumapatak ang ulan…. alam ko ..nararamdaman ko titila din iyon. Gusto kitang pasalamatan dahil tinapos mo din ang lahat, tama ka siguro sa sinabi mong kung anu-ano lang ang iniisip ko kaya lagi akong balisa… ang totoo takot lang akong mawala ka. Salamat…. sa inyong dalawa.. sa iyo Mahal ko at kay Luxmie, dahil as inyong dalawa nakita ko sa sarili ko ang bagay na kinatatakutan ko… ang makasakit ng kapwa ko, natakot ako na baka sa isang iglap hindi ko na makilala kung sino ako… muntik na akong lumayo.. kamuntik lang… dahil natatakot ako para sa sarili ko.

Nagpapasalamat ako dahil natapos na rin sa wakas, ang akala kong magtatagal ay tinapos mo din sa isang iglap. Nalulungkot ako para sa kanya at para sa iyo… nasabi ko sa sarili ko na sa isang bahagi ng buhay ko nakilala ko ang dalawang tao na hindi nagawang ipaglaban ang nararamdaman nila para sa isa’t-isa… Noong nakaraang biyernes, naramdaman ko na wala akong asawa ng mga oras na iyon… at hindi ko maisip na sa mahabang oras kung saan hinahap kita nasa piling ka nya…

Hindi mo na kailangan pang patunayan ang sarili mo… hindi mo na rin kailangan na sabihin sa akin na dapat akong maging masaya dahil ako ang pinili mo, dahil kahit hindi naman ako ang piliin mo alam kong masaya pa rin ako sa bandang huli dahil nagawa kong ipaglaban ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo..naipadama ko iyon sa iyo ng walang takot.. at wala akong pinagsisisihan dahil don.. Alam kong masaya ka na nalaman mong dalawa ang nagmahal sayo… ako hindi.. sa totoo lang hindi talaga.. pagiging makasarili na lang siguro.

Salamat sa inyong dalawa… salamat sa pagkakataon na mabuo ko ulit ang sarili ko..salamat sa pagmamahal mo… sa susunod na pagpatak ng malakas na ulan alam kong matibay ang dala kong payong… salamat sa karanasan…

It’s been four months since I havent seen you, havent feel you.. I miss you moving in my womb.. I miss the moment of our conversation.. I miss how I fell you like as if you were swimming inside me… I understand why you left me its just that sometimes I could not help but to think of you. I know you are very happy there and I know you can hear me now. I already move on since the day you left me. If sometimes you see me crying at night I want you to know that there’s just a very happy mommy here on earth that misses you and loving you with all her life. You will never be forgotten.
Do you remember the times when I planned to buy you a very cozy and beautiful crib and stroller? I still want to buy it… and oh! I bought you a very cute baby dress from Disney Land Creation… you must see it, it will fits you well….
I know you can hear me up there and I want you to know, in every beat of my heart that I’ll carry your name and your memory wherever I go.. wherever destiny’s lead me..
Sometimes I wish you did not leave me… If you happen to be here, inside my womb.. you are going to be eight months now and by next month Im going to see you already, I’ll be able to touch you and kiss you and hug you then.. but, everything was on God’s plan… He took you away from me, sometimes it hurts though but I believe in him… I really do.
Im gonna see you there, in God’s time… I will hug you tight and kiss you.. but for now I can only do that in dreams…

Unsent Letter to My Husband's Ex-Girlfriend

I should’ve done this in the first place… but i just want to thank you for coming… honestly I wanted to hate you… and mike… no one knows how I felt when I found out accidentally that mike aleady found you through friendster… during that time I was supposed to surprise him but I was the one who got surprised when i saw what he was doing… making a messege to be supposedly sent to someone named “luxmie”… right there and then I knew it was you.

Mike, ever since has been honest to me and I am very happy for that, who wouldnt be? but during those times he did not tell me at once that he already found you.. and im not used to it so i got hurt.. its pretty normal i guess..besides I wasnt ready for that… I asked him why he did that he answered me “because Im afraid that it may hurt you”… I wasnt really that hurt in fact I was happy that he already saw you (via FS) and I understand that his intentions to look for you was only for good… to be friend with you again and that he thought you might be needing his help… in what way?… that I do not know… the only thing that hurts me most was the fact that in some ways something in the past might revived again..yeah, I thought of it…it wasnt paranoia… i guess… maybe because I knew who were you in Mike’s past life… though my knowledge about you is only superficial.

Everything was going smoothly, I trusted Mike.. I am just a little afraid kasi iba si mike… he is a very loving person.. and very caring to anyone specially to his friends…everybody loves him… I sometimes misunderstood him maybe because though we love each other so much.. we are still a different person…with different personality…

Last sunday night when i read ur text for mike, I was perplexed… mike told me last friday that you were planning to meet him… you told him also that you would not want me to know about it… it was not a bright idea.. glad that my husband is trustworthy and that he respects me… I read you messege through Ym for mike ( iniwan nyng bukas ang ym).. and again it’s so funny that once you told this line : luxmieamal: honestly nata2kot dn nman akng mkita kang muli,……. irespeto ntin ang gus2 nya,,,i think we shud learn 2 forget each others arms… though it hurts… I believed that you already move on… like what you said to me (thru texts) but I am also a woman who understands other womans sentiments though in not so exact manner…

Through that words..coming from you… I thought It spells out the truth how you really feel inside for mike… I am maybe wrong or perhaps… correct… sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko bka this girl is still… has that special feeling for my husband… i wanted to empathize with you..trying to put myself on your shoes.. it’ll be hurt.. Remember you told me that I should let go my husband’s past…. it is easy to say for you but the hardest part is how to apply it… you also told me tht i should stop acting like a child.. or you judge me by saying that I am acting immaturely… I accepted that… I hated you for making such little lies… I hated myself kasi by now I still find it hard to understand you… I hate myself because I am doing this letter… you dont have to tell me that you are a proffesional doctor or something… you should also know how to somehow understand my possible reaction sa mga nangyari… if you were in my shoes.. you will know.. And I am sorry if i caused something that hurts your pride or ego… I know lux, you already move on.. 12 years had passed (according to you) but I also understand if Mike will always be a part of you… no one can take that away from you…

I have told mike.. i dont want you to meet that girl… but still the decision is with him… besides ikaw nmn ang unang nag invite.. ndi sya.. honestly, Inisip ko lng… wala nmn dapat pag usapan sa past… according lng nmn sa naku-kwento ni mike sa akin..he told me ndi nmn naging kayo officialy..so i cant see any reason why you have to… pero it seems that you have that little regret inside you.. so go on.. I respect you and mike’s past… inyo yon eh… pero past na nga lang.. nothing more, nothing less.. and I should take to consider that also..


Honestly as i mentioned.. thank you… for being not that too harsh also… and for realizing that you should take a few steps away.. for a while… if you are meant to meet again… then let the destiny find its way for both of you.. and by the time it happens I will be happy for you and for mike… I just want you to know that I understand you really.. It hurts… specially that you dont know how to express your feelings ryt now… I am sorry if I remained as a hindrance to your plans.. I am not perfect.. I am fragile… I am sensitive even to such little things… I easily get hurt… but that’s me…

I have said a lot.. Thanks again…


-janet-